Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
