he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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