hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
soo... how was my night?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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