why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
