Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Randomize
