Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
