How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
