I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
