omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
