He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Randomize
