I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
