we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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