EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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