So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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