Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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