I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
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