The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
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Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
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On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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