She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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