I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
