omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
