I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
