apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
