Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
