Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
