May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
