I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I need a beard to bite.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
