High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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