Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
