good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Ketchup is God's man juice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
be right there i have to get my cape
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize