I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
