Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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