I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
