It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
ugly people sure do ruin things
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
