So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
