i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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