I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
