i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
