I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
