Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
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so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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