Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
