I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
