My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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