I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
