i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
