The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
