They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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