take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
