you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
