So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
