Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Potential corruption. He's 19.
Get them while they're young!
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
