finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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