You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
