I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
