i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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