Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
