i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
