My Higher Power is John Stamos
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
