Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
