I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
the room spins SO much faster in panama
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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