Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Send help, water and tortillas.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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