WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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