I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
