Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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