Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
