I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
